Hot, isn't the word, sweltering heat, humidity, sweat soaking through my vest, the last defense against a bullet tearing through my skin. Thank goodness it stopped raining though, but it is completely dark at 10:00 p.m. Where is this guy, he can't run all night, I am a sitting duck out here, if he has a gun he could kill me before I could react? All the thoughts, not conscious, barely unconscious resonating in my brain as we search the woods behind the house where he had yet again beat his girlfriend. We were here two days ago for the same complaint; why does she keep calling us? She never learns, her last boyfriend did the same thing until finally he went to jail. So jail is the only way that she will leave him, no wonder her daughter was smoking crack by sixteen.
This guy is gone, every time he runs, we do an arrest warrant for him, I think he has five outstanding warrants right now. I hate to admit that I am a little scared; "suppress it, deny it, do not let anyone know that you are scared"! If I find him it will be about a minute of all out fighting until the other units can find me. At 6'4, 280 lbs, this guy is not going down very quickly. Plus, since he has run before, what does he have to lose by trying everything to get away? That means I have to use as much force as I possibly can, what if I have to shoot him? I will definitely resign if I have to shoot him, I have anxiety right now; there is no way that he is going to win this fight! Did he ever hurt a cop,? No, never, nor would he, but the thoughts of fear overpower rational logic.
Early in my career I would have been so excited to do this, the adrenaline would be coursing through my veins, I would be so eager to find this guy. I no longer am excited, because I realize that it doesn't really matter if we find him or not. Sooner or later someone will find him and arrest him.
This is a real scenario, including the continuous thoughts, which eventually remade me into the image of that which I was fighting against, violence. Fear encompassed so much of my existence that I usually reacted, which was in all actuality an over-reaction to situations. I learned that through dialogue almost all situations of violence could be averted, yet whenever fear crept back in, I found that I would revert back to the way of the sword, over against the way of the cross.
The lack of compassion felt in the scenario for the girlfriend was because we thought in individual terms, i.e. she caused this situation, she is at fault for doing this, she "deserved" it, because she wouldn't leave him. Personal responsibility is important, but corporate responsibility in my opinion is equal in the eyes of God. Will we embrace the weak, the lost, and even those who are individually guilty of causing the mess in their lives? Dorothee Soelle in her book, "Suffering" has said that 'humans despise those that are suffering and afflicted, because every inch of our being can not identify with anothers' suffering'.
6 comments:
I loved this post Paul. I just started reading your blog (now that I am in the blogging world), and I appreciate your realness. It's amazing to think God was with you then and with that man that night. Your experience as a cop has forever shaped you...I believe God will use it in powerful ways and is now!
Betsy
Thanks for the affirmation Betsy, I sincerely appreciate it. You made me think based upon you comment..."Your experience as a cop has forever shaped you..." I try so hard sometimes to not be who I am, because I think that my personality displays my cop days, but I think that I also need to understand that in doing that I might be losing some good qualities. Thanks again.
I attribute this to bad prosecutors. No way this guy is walking around on my watch with five outstanding warrants. :) But, that's besides the point.
Good post. Fear in the law enforcement profession is a given. So many unknowns. Shoot, even as a prosecutor I worried about my own safety. Suffering with? Often, when presenting my cases I attempted to place myself in the shoes of the accused and the victim to get a sense of their fear. Maybe you can call it an incarnational approach. Anyhow, thanks for sharing Paul. You're great buddy.
Hey John, thanks for the post. That guy ended up going to jail, and it was me who found him about six months later on a traffic stop, after he got out of the car and started to run. I chased him down and with the help of a few other cops, and we arrested him.
Fear works to bring us into submission to violence, acting against liberty and love. This is one of the reasons that I write so much against the Enlightenment, because I think that it has created a dualistic split between our thinking and what we do, or how we act. Because of a great amount of fear, we usually resort to violence, that is what I meant when I said that I "over-reacted" in many scenario's, where my reason was enslaved to my fear. (Scary)
I am not one to quote random scriptures, but "Perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4:18)
If I embrace the love of Jesus, his resurrection will allow me the ability to live communally and without the fear of death.
I wish that I had heard these messages when I was working in that profession.
great post, paul. what a great image and good words.
Thanks for the post wanderingellimac, I appreciate the thoughts.
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